Something More
by DeadPigeon
Summary: This one shot explores Kate dealing with the "issues" she had during season four.


_This story was much longer at one time but it encountered a conflit with the shows cannon and I could not continue. I just discovered it lingering in my computer and I liked enough of it to edit it into a shorter story. Think of this story as a little "fill in the blanks" for some of what we didn't see in season 4. _

* * *

**Something More**

A quick resolution to their case hinged on a phone call, but it was a call she was dreading;  
it would take her somewhere she didn't want to go. Not wanting to dwell on it, Kate busied  
herself with mindless paperwork. She kept her conscious mind occupied, but her subconscious  
was slowly twisting her stomach into a knot. When the phone on her desk finally rang, she  
nearly jumped from her seat. Castle pretended not to notice while everyone else around her  
stared.

She made an effort to calmly pick up the receiver. "Beckett."

While she listened, she scanned the room to stare down anyone still looking her way. Esposito  
was only one who met her eye; she couldn't stare him down…not anymore, so she looked away.

"We'll be there in twenty minutes."

She returned the receiver to its cradle, wishing it could be twenty years and not twenty minutes.  
Cutting a quick glance to her left, she saw that Castle was still overtly engrossed with some app  
on his cell phone. Was he doing it for her, or because of her? She didn't know anymore. She only  
knew there was a time when he always said what was on his mind; a time when he wasn't afraid  
to push her buttons. It used to irritate her; now she missed it.

She stood up, pulled her jacket from the back of her chair and looked down at Castle.

"That was the hospital, Mrs. Ramirez is awake."

She watched him turn off his phone before slipping it into his jacket pocket. He stood and waited  
for her to lead the way to the elevator. There was also a time he used to walk beside her. Now he  
walked behind her. She heaved an audible sigh of frustration as she punched the button in the  
elevator…and still he never said a word. Everything seemed to bother her lately. Ever since they  
found out Cynthia Ramirez would live, it seemed. She knew what it meant. It meant a trip to the  
hospital. She hadn't been back there since she was formally released almost a year ago. The hospital  
was one place she never wanted to see again, but with her job she knew it was only a matter of time  
before she'd be back there. Not as a patient she hoped, but through the course of working on a case.  
Now here it was, testing her mettle.

The drive to the hospital was made in silence. Kate was so fixated on preparing herself and fortifying  
her resolve that she tuned out everything. Hell, she'd even forgotten Castle was in the car. It took a  
stinging pain in her thumb to bring her around. She'd just bitten her thumbnail down to the quick.  
_Shit! _She hadn't bitten her nails since her father sobered up. Kate glanced over at Castle and found  
him staring out the passenger window. He did a lot of that lately too. She thought things were getting  
better. Why weren't they getting better? Another sigh escaped her as she pulled the car into the  
hospital's parking garage.

Kate lagged behind Castle as he dutifully led the way from the car to the hospital's entrance. He led  
and never asked why. She loved that about him. Yes, she was coming to terms with that word. There  
had even been a few times she could almost feel it slipping from her tongue, but as always…there was  
something holding her back. It had gotten to the point where even she couldn't understand why. Her  
therapist, Dr. Burke, said she still had some unresolved issues from the shooting that she was not  
addressing. _What unresolved issues?_ She'd told him everything…about her feelings for Castle, about  
her mothers case. What else was there?

Castle was up ahead waiting to open the metal door that led from the parking garage to the hospital  
and he pulled it open for her as she approached. She could feel a difference in the air inside as she  
entered and it made her feel nauseous. She stopped a few feet into the hallway, partially to let the  
nausea pass and partially to let him lead the way again.

He hesitated as he passed to ask where they were going.

"What room?"

"Room 602."

He led the way like a man who knew his way around. _Damn!_ She had been so busy thinking about  
herself…what must it be like for him? She heard he had practically lived at the hospital that first week.  
She wouldn't have known. They kept her so doped up she never woke up until a week later, and even  
that was for brief spells. Her father kept her updated as best he could. Not that she remembered much.  
The first few weeks were a jumbled blur of sleep and pain.

Castle's pace quickened. He obviously didn't want to be there any more than she did and she lost sight  
of him as he rounded a corner. She picked up her pace only to catch up to him waiting for an elevator.  
They had entered on the forth floor and needed to be on the sixth. They had to wait for an orderly with  
a wheelchair and a janitor with an overflowing supply cart to exit the elevator before they could get on.  
A harried looking intern slipped through the closing doors at the last second to join them on the ride to  
the sixth floor. Kate lagged behind when they exited and Castle was already speaking to the duty nurse  
when she arrived at the nurse's station. She stopped in the hallway just short of the desk and leaned  
against the wall. She closed her eyes to block out where she was for just a moment. That was a mistake.

A wave of nausea hit her again. It seemed she remembered more from those first two weeks than she  
realized. She didn't have to see or hear anything to know where she was. She could feel it, she could smell  
it; it was in the air. A hand on her arm had her opening her eyes.

"Come on."

He guided her to the room they were looking for and Kate didn't hesitate enter. She knew if she hesitated  
she might never go in. Just get the witness statement and go, that's all she needed to do. She stopped  
at the foot of the woman's bed. _Best not to get too close._ Mrs. Ramirez's eyes were closed, so Castle  
approached her bed and gently placed his hand on her arm.

"Mrs. Ramirez."

Her eyes fluttered open taking in her surroundings and the strangers in her room.

"Mrs. Ramirez, we're with the police. We would like to speak with you."

Kate spoke up when the woman's eyes found her. "Mrs. Ramirez, can you remember anything about the  
person who shot you?"

Her voice was quiet when she spoke. "Yes. I remember."

"What do you remember?"

The woman's voice became stronger. "I remember everything."

Kate's mouth fell open at the reply. Her secret was tumbling from another woman's lips. This had to be a  
dream. She needed to pinch herself, slap herself. She needed to do something, quick; she had hesitated  
too long and Castle's head was beginning to turn towards her. Surely he would be able to see the truth in  
her eyes. _Ask your next question, now!_

"Can you give me a name?" She blurted out.

Tears were beginning to well up in the woman's eyes and it was a moment before she spoke again. She  
obviously hadn't heard Kate's question."

"Why am I here?" A tear slipped from a wavering lash and down her cheek.

"You were shot Mrs. Ramirez; you're in the hospital."

"Why am I not with my husband? I want to be with my husband." More tears joined the first.

Kate shared a panicked look with Castle. Her husband was dead. She had obviously not been told. This was  
the one thing Kate hated about her job, notifications. They never got any easier.

"Mrs. Ramirez, I'm sorry to have to tell you…"

The woman grabbed Castle's coat sleeve and spoke before Kate was finished with what she was saying. Her  
eyes were fixed on him with mixture of pain and confusion.

"I know he's dead. I was dead too." She pulled at his sleeve again.

"Why did they bring me back? We were together…in heaven. My husband, my mother and grandparents…we  
were all in the light and I didn't want to leave. Why did they bring me back? I don't have anyone else here."

Her tears and anguish were heart wrenching and Castle looked back at Kate to keep himself from becoming  
caught up in her grief. He looked back just in time to catch a glimpse of Kate's back as she hurried from the  
room. He wanted to follow, but the woman still had a tight grip on his coat sleeve. It was probably best that  
he stayed. He knew she wouldn't want him around anyway. He let out a sigh of his own before turning back  
to console the woman and to try and get an answer to the question Kate had left hanging.

….

It wasn't until she reached the parking garage that Kate realized she'd left Castle behind. It was too late to  
go back. She stopped, pulled out her cell phone and sent him a text.

**-I'm sorry- can you get a cab?**

She didn't wait for a reply. She glanced at the time on her phone's display; it was twenty minutes to five. She  
slid the phone back into her pocket and hurried on to her car. She might just be able to make it there in time.

…

Kate waited at the end of the hallway for his secretary to leave. She didn't want to deal with her; she only  
wanted to see him. Dr. Burke exited a few minutes later and was caught off guard by her approach. His  
eyes flew wide.

"Kate, what are you doing here? You weren't scheduled for today…were you?"

"No doctor…I just…" _I just realized how selfish I'm being. The man was going home, just let him go. _"You know what,  
it's not important. It can wait till my next appointment." She turned to go, but his hand on her arm pulled her back.

"Kate, I know you. You wouldn't be standing outside my office if it wasn't important. Come on inside, let's talk."

He pushed the door open and led her back into his inner office. He dumped a leather satchel he was carrying onto his  
desk and offered her a seat.

"So…" He said to prompt her as he sat down in the chair across from her.

Kate sat down and leaned forward in her chair. She rested her elbows on her knees and clasped her hands together.  
Sure, she had talked about pretty much everything in her life, but this…this had nothing to do with life.

"They…the doctors said I died, that I died for three minutes and twelve seconds. I read it in my file so it has to be  
true, right?"

"I was told you died on the operating table, I don't know for how long."

"So why don't I remember?"

"I thought you said you remembered everything Kate, was there something you didn't tell me?

"I told you everything I knew. It's just…" _It's just…_y_ou're gonna think I'm crazy. _

"What is it Kate?"

This was not going to be easy for her to talk about. She'd always dealt with facts, with knowns and this…this was an  
unknown. She didn't want to see his expression betray any platitudes he might speak in reply to her next question,  
so she kept her eyes focused on the scuff across the toe of his left shoe instead of his eyes. She was hesitant, but  
his was why she was here. Her heart was racing.

"I don't remember what happened when I died."

His feet shifted and his chair creaked. Kate looked up as he leaned forward in his chair to meet her reply with  
seriousness and not skepticism she had expected.

"Is that something you think you should remember?"

"That's the problem…there is nothing to remember. Nothing!" Her hands were shaking. "I didn't know I was dying,  
I just remember everything going black. Why didn't I see anything?" She searched his eyes for answers.

"See what Kate.?"

She could feel the tears as they began to slide down her cheeks. She didn't want them there but they wouldn't stop  
coming. Her voice trembled.

"The light…my mother. Wh…why didn't I see my mother?"

…

Kate never held any illusions about life or death. She was a pragmatist who had little use for the blind faiths of religion.  
You were either alive or you were dead. That was it. She'd seen too much in her line of work for her to believe that  
human beings were no more than the sum of genetics, brain chemistry and hormones. Sociopaths, psychopaths, the  
mentally ill, who among them really had control over their own lives. All anyone could really do was take the hand they  
were dealt and run with it. She had been dealt an injustice, an injustice that turned her into the woman and cop she'd  
become. That injustice became her life and there wasn't room for anything else…or so she thought.

…

Dr. Burke could see the hurt in Kate's tears, but there was nothing but anger in her voice.

"It's not fair. I should have seen her. She wasn't there. There was nothing there!"

"What were you expecting Kate?"

"Expecting?" She was never expecting anything. She never pondered anything else, certainly not the concept of a hereafter.

"I never expected anything."

"So what happened, what changed Kate?"

"It's my world…my world has changed."

"How has it changed?"

A sigh of resignation escaped her this time, and she leaned back into her chair.

"Its Castle…he makes me…"

She tilted her head back and looked at the ceiling, hoping that its starkness could help bring clarity to her words. She  
wanted to get it right, to explain it to herself as much as to Dr. Burke. When she found them, they suprised the hell  
out of her.

"He makes me believe in the possibility of something more."


End file.
